Fantasy and Reality

July 20, 2021 (368 words)

When it comes to romance, we all have a rich inner life. If someone strikes our fancy it’s easy to imagine what they might be like, how you might speak to each other, and what sort of things the two of you might do together.

But it’s all going on in your head. The initial texting that occurs back and forth doesn’t do anything to help break through your dreamscape, and neither does talking on the phone a time or two.

When you eventually find yourself face-to-face with this other person, that rich inner life of yours can actually get in the way of seeing this complete stranger for who they really are.

Getting past the polite, best-foot-forward facade is a slow and methodical process. It’s hard to know what someone is about, even after a couple of dinners together.

It’s not until you get out in the world with this person, away from what can be a stage-y atmosphere of a nice restaurant, that our true colors start to reveal themselves.

Try a little day trip where the GPS steers you wrong. Or you’re hit with a last-minute change to the itinerary, because something is unexpectedly closed, or the line to get in is absurdly long.

Real-time problem-solving works wonders for bringing everyone’s senses to full attention. It can tell you a lot about the temperament of the person you are riding with.

Next, start to meet and interact a bit with this woman’s four grown daughters. Or spend a summer evening with her on the neighbor’s back deck, checking out the raised flower beds, and chatting with a couple your own age who you are meeting for the first time.

Such activities will help you see your potential new love interest in her natural habitat.

The secret to developing any sort of intimate relationship at this (or maybe any?) stage of life seems to be finding a woman who is grounded enough herself that she can help you transition from only living in your head, to living in the world, as well.

Someone whose innate sense of practicality will infuse your thought process, so your rich inner life can emerge as a rich outer life, too.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 20, 2021

Here’s What it Takes

July 16, 2021 (104 words) It doesn’t take a certain kind of life to be a writer, because any kind of life will do. It’s not a matter of social pedigree, or having a blue-ribbon educational background, or even a flair for the arts. All that’s required is a heightened level of attentiveness. And being given the privilege of wrestling with your problems in solitude. (Okay, so maybe a reasonable facility with one’s native language will also come in handy.) It’s really just a variation on the “grow where you’re planted” thing. The “stand still and look, until you really see” approach to daily living. That’s all it takes. Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 16, 2021

Could This Be Love?

July 12, 2021 (412 words)

Coming out of a 35-year marriage (and a 39-year relationship) you’re not supposed to fall for the first person who smiles at you. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and you’re supposed to sample at least some of what life has to offer in the way of female companionship.

The idea is to approach the search for a new love interest with an open mind and a casual attitude. Dating a series of women, and not honing in on any one person too quickly, will allow you to develop a clearer picture of what you are looking for, and who might be the best match.

All of which sounds swell in theory. But this playing the field can be a time-consuming pastime. Making the initial overture, arranging for that first meeting, then plowing ahead through a few actual dates. Repeating this process with several women in sequence can eat up a precious amount of calendar. And keep in mind, the women you are taking the measure of are not standing idly by, patiently waiting for you to make up your mind. What if, after six months or a year of testing the waters, you realize the woman you dated back in the beginning might just be the one? What happens if that individual has moved on in her own search, and is no longer available?

You’re not supposed to fall for the first person who smiles at you, but what if you luck out and meet an unusual female early on who is an appealing combination of practical and ditzy, hard-working and easy-going. A lover of children who naturally tries to facilitate everyone else’s happiness. A true romantic, based on her continuing search for what she describes as a trusted friend. What if your sensibilities and life experiences seem to sync up after only a few encounters? What then?

I’m brand new at this, but already I’m making an adjustment in my approach. There seems to be no point in going through the motions of multiple dates with any woman unless you both feel something right from the start that might extend beyond the admittedly important criteria of physical attraction.

Of course, there is no guarantee such a kernel of kinship will pan out and develop into something alive and well. But being hip and casual and doing a series of trophy dates with pretty people I might want to horizontal mambo with makes no sense to me now.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 12, 2021

Summer Love

July 11, 2021 (20 words) Summer love, and winter love, and everything in between love. The best kind of love. The only kind of love. Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 11, 2021

Finding a Match

July 10, 2021 (691 words)

Much to my surprise and dismay, my long-running marriage unraveled over the last few years, and is ending in divorce. The decision is mutual, the lawyers are working out the details, and the decree should be finalized in a few months.

I wish the dear woman with whom I raised four children nothing but the best in the years ahead. She is the one who became disenchanted with our relationship several years ago. I hope she is able to find a measure of peace moving forward, and a modicum of happiness.

But since I am too young to die, I have decided to try and see if there is a female out there who might be receptive to my overtures, and who might, in turn, be persuaded to give a hoot about me. While, you know, I still have a little tread left on my tires.

Which let’s face it, is not going to be easy. At this age all of us former boys and girls have developed some quirks, and have become more than a little set in our ways.

For those of you whose long-term marriages are still intact, let me be the first to inform you the only way to meet new people these days is through an internet dating site. It’s both a valuable public service, and the weirdest thing you could possibly imagine.

Trying to determine potential romantic compatibility with a total stranger based on nothing more than a few pictures and a brief summary description of that individual’s likes and wants… Really, it’s an impossible task.

There are a lot of attractive women in this world, and it turns out many of them happen to be on the internet at the present time, looking for a new and improved partner. Every single one of them enjoys music, has a great sense of humor and likes to laugh, is comfortable dressing up for a night out or staying home and cuddling on the couch, is devoted to their family and friends, loves their job, is very active and outdoorsy, and is an avid traveler. Every single one of them, without exception.

And these women are all looking for an ambitious man who is successful and knows what he wants in life. But the ideal candidate should also be courteous, suitably humble, emotionally intelligent, and a good communicator.

This is not meant to be sarcastic or disparaging. Only to point out the difficulty of conveying one’s personality or any insight into one’s essential nature with a few keystrokes. And don’t forget, I’m having the very same issues with my own presentation on these sites. As one lady confessed to the world at large: “If we are meant to be together, I hope you won’t let my inability to write a catchy profile stand in the way of our meeting.” I agree with her sentiment wholeheartedly. But what else do we have to go on?

In scrolling through the pictures and profiles of dozens of lovely hopefuls, you find yourself making snap decisions that defy logic. And you become downright embarrassed at the arbitrariness of these little judgements. This woman is dismissed from consideration for being too short, while another gets set aside for being too tall. There are the too young, and the too old. Those who strike you as a bit too artsy, or not artsy enough. Way too blue blood, or way too blue collar.

After a while your head is spinning. You have to back away from the screen for a deep, cleansing breath and force yourself to return to the day’s regular activities.

Physical attractiveness is the first criteria we all use to gauge initial interest. Yet we all know that will only take a relationship so far. Whether a sense of sympatico can develop once the thrill of physical excitement dissipates a little, and the two of you come back down to earth again, is anybody’s guess. The phrase “trying to find a needle in a haystack” comes to mind.

So please wish me luck. And yes, I’m open to a blind date, if you know someone you think I might like.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 10, 2021

Adaptations

July 6, 2021 (488 words)

It’s always a challenge when they try to turn your favorite quirky novel into a movie. What makes the novel so rich and rewarding in the first place is the way it takes us into uncharted territory. The best quirky novels make us think about something or someone from a perspective we haven’t previously considered.

When it comes to capturing a revealing detail about a person or a place, the novel has a distinct advantage over a movie. Sure, a picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometime it takes a thousand words (or more) to really capture the essence of a thing – a physical locale, a given character’s motivation, the underlying dynamic of a particular relationship.

What makes any story hold our interest is the way the familiar is used as a path to the unfamiliar. Places we’ve heard about or maybe even visited, but haven’t gotten the full flavor of. Characters who are immediately recognizable on the surface, but who surprise us in the end as being unlike anyone we have ever known.

Some stories just take time to develop and unfold properly. The novelist has the opportunity to do his or her work in stages, layering in more context as the plot moves along. Like a bird building a nest. The reader, in turn, has the ability to pause and reflect, to maybe even put the book down and go about one’s daily chores, returning at a later date. This does wonders for the reader’s ability to understand and appreciate the proceedings.

A movie, on the other hand, has to get in and get out. It only has ninety minutes, give or take, to get the job done and the story told. (Unless you are the famous writer-director Terrence Malick. In which case you have about three hours to get your point across.)

Given the inherent time constraints, it’s difficult for a movie to truly break new ground. And when one does manage to accomplish this feat, that film is usually not seen by too many people.

While any movie worth its salt will hold a surprise for the audience – the proverbial plot twist – the stock-in-trade of a release that does big box office is the familiar. Stories we kind of already know featuring actors and actresses who are easy on the eyes, and help hold our short attention spans. Without wanting to come across as too much of a cinematic snob, most popular entertainment is aimed at reassuring us about what we already hold to be true.

The quirky novel, and the rare successful movie adaptation of such a novel, usually sets out to show us something different. And in so doing it often tries to challenge a familiar assumption in some fundamental way. Sitting through such a challenge, whether issued from a page or on a screen, is just not a popular pastime, when all is said and done.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 6, 2021