The Politics of Love
Oct 26, 2024 | 1,019 words | Politics, Marriage
As fascinating as this contentious election cycle has been, my attention has been happily diverted away from politics by my decision to marry again this Fall.
After my once happy first marriage came to a long, drawn out and non-communitive end, I was fortunate to meet a lovely, age-appropriate woman in February 2022, who like me was making a concerted effort to find a trusted companion for this final act in our respective lives. In addition to being initially attracted by this individual’s physical appearance, I subsequently discovered her to be intelligent, accomplished, challenging, and complicated. All of which has also proven to be quite attractive.
It has been a whirlwind last few years, during which my entire life has undergone a subtle transformation, or at the very least a serious refresh. I believe my bride feels the same way about hers. Going into this search I never thought getting married a second time was something I would be inclined to do, or would ever feel was necessary, even if I did find someone to settle down with. That I eventually came around and changed my mind to the point of wanting to propose, and wanting to marry again, is just one of many surprises I have experienced.
*
Being set in one’s ways is often cited as a hurdle to forging a new intimate relationship later in life. One person likes to go to bed early, the other likes to stay up a bit longer – that sort of thing.
Sometimes the differences go much deeper. Sometimes it can feel like trying to merge two radically different mind-body ecosystems. This can pose an almost insurmountable challenge to achieving what most of us are searching for at any stage of life – a shared sense of belonging together, a confident feeling that ‘this is the one.’
In my case, I like peace and quiet and tend to process things internally. A little conversation can go a long way. Observation often takes precedence over engagement. Being content in one’s own thoughts is referred to by some as “listening to the music of the spheres.” Or simply listening to one’s inner music.
My wife, on the other hand, likes to think out loud. She is happiest when her every breath elicits speech. It can be tricky knowing what I am supposed to pay attention to and engage with, and what I am better off letting pass by as a random ‘thought in progress.’
I can step out of my comfort zone and socialize with the best of them, when the situation demands. Whereas my spouse is naturally outgoing and more socially inclined. She is perfectly comfortable addressing a stranger in any circumstance, ready for the next personal encounter, almost hungry for more engagement.
She makes friends easily and has maintained them throughout her life. One of her best friends from high school was among the first people she introduced me to when we started dating, and this woman and her husband were among the special guests at our wedding.
In my case I remember such long-ago classmates fondly but have not seen or spoken to any of them in years. They live on in memory as archetypes, populating my dreams.
A four-hour train ride can be a luxury for me, a chance to read a little, gaze out the window lost in thought, and maybe write a few things down. For her it can be an ordeal, a penance. Unless, of course, she manages to strike up a conversation with someone across the aisle from where we are sitting. Then she comes to life and is in her element.
*
Learning to live with each other’s unique essence requires a delicate, emotional/intellectual type of alchemy. It is how eros (the easy, piece-of-cake part) slowly grows into agape (the much more difficult assignment).
It involves acknowledging and appreciating the other’s strengths, without feeling constrained when those strengths are expressed. It means adapting to your significant other’s moods and rhythms every once in a while, instead of always expecting her to adapt to yours.
Giving my wife the level of ‘active’ interaction she needs to maintain her equilibrium, while carving out enough quiet time to maintain mine, represents the epic balancing act of our relationship. It helps that we both want this thing we have found together to work out.
But we also know our being determined is not enough. We are united in the belief we will not be able to accomplish this on our own initiative. We welcome assistance in the form of grace and inspiration – not just from family and friends, but also from saints and other spiritual guides. We both still believe in God, and are convinced all good gifts come from above.
Which is why we each have a deeply felt sense of gratitude at having found each other. Even though such supplication is routinely disparaged these days as being merely the opiate of the masses, a refuge for the weak-minded who are unable to think for themselves. As a counter to that narrative, my wife and I have been thinking for ourselves our entire lives, and each pride ourselves on our discerning intellects.
At the risk of sounding a bit smug or simple-minded, I would say it is through rigorous discernment that we routinely seek out and are receptive to divine intervention.
From my perspective the decision to marry is not meant as a declaration the two of us have achieved some sort of elevated level of harmony and understanding. I am going into this marriage with my eyes open, fully aware that we, as a couple, are a work-in-progress.
Our moving wedding ceremony and joy-filled reception were wonderful to behold and will become a lasting memory to cherish. But it is not as if we have just had our ticket punched to the land of milk and honey.
The big, splashy event was fun, but above all else it serves as a public anointing, announcing our commitment to the intimate process of learning to live with – and love, and support – another human being.
Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr.
bobcavjr@gmail.com