A Very Spunky Sparrow

July 27, 2021 (92 words)

When I put my arms around her it feels like I am holding a sparrow. But I’m learning inside that delicate façade beats the heart of one tough cookie. A determined spirit with an incredible work ethic who takes her responsibilities seriously and always tries to do right by others. A devoted earth mother who seeks the happiness of those she loves before ever considering her own. All in all, just a mighty fine example for the rest of us on how to go about being a considerate and compassionate human being.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 27, 2021

Starting Over

July 21, 2021 (393 words)

When this summer’s low-key quest to find a new female companion first began, I thought it was important to leave my past behind. Because a common refrain of women on internet dating sites is how they are not interested in a man “with baggage.”

As a result, my focus going into this was fairly straightforward: Try to build rapport, find a shared language, and establish mutual points of reference. All while talking as little as possible about where I just came from, in the commitment department.

I soon realized that is all wrong. In trying to establish a new relationship, building rapport and finding a shared language is only going to be half the battle. The other part of this will be continuing to come to terms with the recent demise of my 35-year marriage (and 39-year relationship) in a way that allows me to engage someone new with an open heart and an unencumbered mind.

And naturally any potential partner will have to do the same with her past. We all have that past, and it’s not going away. Especially when there are children – grown, in this case – involved. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals – all manner of family gatherings. It’s not like you or your ex will be entering a witness protection program and moving to another state under an assumed name.

Not only is referencing your previous relationship and its tangible fruits okay, I now see it’s sort of mandatory. How you are able to talk about this stuff becomes the measure of whether you have processed and understand the problems that led to the just-concluded break-up. Which, in turn, is a prime indicator of your capacity to attempt a new relationship in a healthy frame of mind.

In executing this about-face on how to handle my ‘baggage’, I have benefited greatly from the insights of a woman I’ve only recently met, who is proving to be practical and wise in matters of the heart. She also just happens to be cute as a button, in an age-appropriate sort of way.

As the two of us have agreed to try and get to know each other better, she has expressed concern I might find her too vanilla. Meanwhile I worry she might tire of my tendency too overthink everything. We’ll just have to see where things go from here.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 21, 2021

Fantasy and Reality

July 20, 2021 (368 words)

When it comes to romance, we all have a rich inner life. If someone strikes our fancy it’s easy to imagine what they might be like, how you might speak to each other, and what sort of things the two of you might do together.

But it’s all going on in your head. The initial texting that occurs back and forth doesn’t do anything to help break through your dreamscape, and neither does talking on the phone a time or two.

When you eventually find yourself face-to-face with this other person, that rich inner life of yours can actually get in the way of seeing this complete stranger for who they really are.

Getting past the polite, best-foot-forward facade is a slow and methodical process. It’s hard to know what someone is about, even after a couple of dinners together.

It’s not until you get out in the world with this person, away from what can be a stage-y atmosphere of a nice restaurant, that our true colors start to reveal themselves.

Try a little day trip where the GPS steers you wrong. Or you’re hit with a last-minute change to the itinerary, because something is unexpectedly closed, or the line to get in is absurdly long.

Real-time problem-solving works wonders for bringing everyone’s senses to full attention. It can tell you a lot about the temperament of the person you are riding with.

Next, start to meet and interact a bit with this woman’s four grown daughters. Or spend a summer evening with her on the neighbor’s back deck, checking out the raised flower beds, and chatting with a couple your own age who you are meeting for the first time.

Such activities will help you see your potential new love interest in her natural habitat.

The secret to developing any sort of intimate relationship at this (or maybe any?) stage of life seems to be finding a woman who is grounded enough herself that she can help you transition from only living in your head, to living in the world, as well.

Someone whose innate sense of practicality will infuse your thought process, so your rich inner life can emerge as a rich outer life, too.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 20, 2021

Here’s What it Takes

July 16, 2021 (104 words) It doesn’t take a certain kind of life to be a writer, because any kind of life will do. It’s not a matter of social pedigree, or having a blue-ribbon educational background, or even a flair for the arts. All that’s required is a heightened level of attentiveness. And being given the privilege of wrestling with your problems in solitude. (Okay, so maybe a reasonable facility with one’s native language will also come in handy.) It’s really just a variation on the “grow where you’re planted” thing. The “stand still and look, until you really see” approach to daily living. That’s all it takes. Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 16, 2021

Could This Be Love?

July 12, 2021 (412 words)

Coming out of a 35-year marriage (and a 39-year relationship) you’re not supposed to fall for the first person who smiles at you. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and you’re supposed to sample at least some of what life has to offer in the way of female companionship.

The idea is to approach the search for a new love interest with an open mind and a casual attitude. Dating a series of women, and not honing in on any one person too quickly, will allow you to develop a clearer picture of what you are looking for, and who might be the best match.

All of which sounds swell in theory. But this playing the field can be a time-consuming pastime. Making the initial overture, arranging for that first meeting, then plowing ahead through a few actual dates. Repeating this process with several women in sequence can eat up a precious amount of calendar. And keep in mind, the women you are taking the measure of are not standing idly by, patiently waiting for you to make up your mind. What if, after six months or a year of testing the waters, you realize the woman you dated back in the beginning might just be the one? What happens if that individual has moved on in her own search, and is no longer available?

You’re not supposed to fall for the first person who smiles at you, but what if you luck out and meet an unusual female early on who is an appealing combination of practical and ditzy, hard-working and easy-going. A lover of children who naturally tries to facilitate everyone else’s happiness. A true romantic, based on her continuing search for what she describes as a trusted friend. What if your sensibilities and life experiences seem to sync up after only a few encounters? What then?

I’m brand new at this, but already I’m making an adjustment in my approach. There seems to be no point in going through the motions of multiple dates with any woman unless you both feel something right from the start that might extend beyond the admittedly important criteria of physical attraction.

Of course, there is no guarantee such a kernel of kinship will pan out and develop into something alive and well. But being hip and casual and doing a series of trophy dates with pretty people I might want to horizontal mambo with makes no sense to me now.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr
July 12, 2021

Summer Love

July 11, 2021 (20 words) Summer love, and winter love, and everything in between love. The best kind of love. The only kind of love. Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr July 11, 2021