Transitioning to Adulthood

February 21, 2022 | 528 words | Personal History

Every stage of life comes with its own set of problems that need to be figured out.  But going from adolescence to early adulthood is particularly tricky, especially for a sensitive young person.  

I have four children who are currently navigating this transition, each of whom can be accurately described as sensitive.  While this term is sometimes pejoratively thought of as code for “highly emotional,” and viewed almost as a character flaw, I don’t see it that way.  I have always found this temperament to be a rewarding way to engage the larger world.  Though it does help when such sensitivity can be coupled with a native intelligence that is active and alert.  Diligently applying this intelligence over the years has enabled me to center my sometimes-run-away emotions, and put them to good use.

The fact their mother and I just got divorced is throwing a new wrench into the works. When people say they are staying together for the sake of the children, I always assumed that was limited to little kids.  Since mine range in age from 22 to 30, and since I thought they saw this divorce coming from a mile away, it never occurred to me the reality would be much of a problem for them, once it finally got here.

Boy, was I ever wrong about that.  Each of them is now wrestling with a variety of thorny issues related to my deciding to call it quits and go my separate way.  The whole thing is proving to be very disconcerting from their perspective.  I’m embarrassed to admit I was too caught up in my own pain and hurt to see what a hurdle this divorce would be for these bright young adults who are so dear to my heart.

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No matter how many good books I read, or how many fabulous movies I see, there is nothing quite like experiencing a thing firsthand.  It turns out the classic problem you always hear about when it comes to children of divorce applies here:  Grappling with which parent should be blamed for the break-up, and which one deserves sympathy and support.  It’s just a natural part of the process.  Though I think each of my kids is mature beyond their years, they are not able to completely avoid this visceral and thoroughly understandable reaction.

All four are having a hard time putting the pieces back together.  But my one and only daughter, who turned 23 last month, may be having the hardest time of all.  She recently sent me a blistering text that left me feeling as if she might never speak to me again.  This was an especially painful message to receive.  I believed, up to now, that she and I have gotten along famously.

I hope and pray this startling emotional breach with my daughter will one day be repaired, since I sorely miss her company, and miss hearing about what’s going on in her life. I pray she and I will receive the grace needed to resume our once-close relationship. And I invoke that same grace as I try to strengthen my relationship with each of my three my sons.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr

February 21, 2022

Finding a Calling

February 20, 2022 | 399 words | Personal History

My ex-wife decided in 2014 she no longer wanted to be married to me.  That’s when she unceremoniously moved out of the second-floor master bedroom, and took up residence in the little in-law suite we had carved out of a couple rooms on the first floor.

Yet it wasn’t until last June that I suggested we pursue an uncontested divorce.  What too me so long?  

I have already cited the till-death-do-us-part marriage vows I chose to take seriously.  But that’s not the whole story. There is another, less obvious reason I was able to weather such an unfriendly status quo on the home front for so long.

It turns out I found my voice as a writer in the wake of this marital estrangement, which more-or-less coincided with the death of both my parents, who had moved in with us in 2004.  My father died in December 2012, followed by my mother in August 2013.  In hindsight these events produced an unanticipated trade-off in my equilibrium.  Once I officially became an orphan, the stimulation and satisfaction writing started to provide replaced the warmth and light I once got from my marriage.   

As you may know, writing is one of those quiet pursuits that requires a measure of solitude.  I am grateful to my ex-wife for providing me with this solitude over these last seven years.  I only wish she could have done so without simultaneously emanating so much animosity in my direction.

I never wanted or expected my long-time marriage to become estranged, let alone end.  But now that is has, after a long, drawn-out fallow period, I find myself actively seeking a different female companion for the first time in four decades.  Finding such a person, and figuring out how to fit her into my sometimes-solitary existence will not be easy.  

On my most optimistic days, the hope is to meet a woman with whom I can build a friendship based on mutual interests, and a sympatico temperament.  Developing that into an intimate physical relationship would nice, too.  All while maintaining a quiet space for the writing that has become such a happy pastime, such an integral part of my daily life.

As if that’s not too much to ask.  It will be interesting to see just what the universe (i.e., God) has in store for me in the coming years, when it comes to the fairer sex.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr

February 20, 2022

Heart Like a Wheel

February 15, 2022 | 92 words | Personal History

What is lonelier?  To lack any semblance of female companionship in one’s life, or to conduct a series of hopeful first encounters in search of an elusive match when it comes to emotional intelligence and temperament, only to come up empty?

And speaking of hopeful first encounters, the desire to be in relationship with someone special is so great there is a tendency to fantasize a friendship into being, right from the start.  One must learn to temper this in-bred enthusiasm, so as to engage the pleasant stranger in a sober way.  

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr

February 15, 2022

A Simple Explanation

February 14, 2022 | 175 words | Personal History

The are many reasons why a marriage hits the rocks, and many ways to describe the demise of a long-term relationship.  Here’s one way…  

In the beginning, our sensibilities meshed and this made us a good match.  We were both a little on the shy side, a bit hesitant in life, each with our fair share of insecurities.  Then over time – by virtue of the commitment we made to each other, the love and affection we shared, and the children we raised together – I became less so.

But she did not, for whatever reason.  Or maybe it was a case of her early pathologies (we all have a few) resurfacing after twenty years, come back to haunt her.

All I know for sure is a deep dissatisfaction with the circumstances of her life swelled up and engulfed her, creating inner turmoil and disturbing her peace.  In the end there was nothing I could do to help.  And so it came to pass after thirty-nine years together we parted and went our separate ways.

Robert J. Cavanaugh, Jr

February 14, 2022